This is the NPDA out round loss of breakups

Leaving my double-octa finals round at NPDA last year, I felt really confident. I didn’t think there was a single position in the round we were losing, or at least nothing that we could lose on. When the judges called us back in, I remember giving Sean and little smile as if to say, “we’ve got this.” When the decision was announced as a 4-1 against us, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I had never been that shocked in my life. This was too early in the tournament for my career to end, I thought. For a second I wanted to get up and walk out of the room in frustration, but I needed to hear the reasons for decision. I knew I would be replaying this moment in my head for a long time.

When the judges were explaining their decisions, I felt even worse. Maybe they made sense in the minds of the judges, but they really didn’t make sense to me. It would have been easier had Sean or I messed up in that round…that way I could point to something and say, “well, ok, it’s our fault.” The inarticulate reasons they gave made the pain I was feeling much worse because I couldn’t justify why I was feeling it. It’s been almost a year and when I think about that moment, it still hits me right in the gut.

Yup. That was pretty much how I felt this morning when Mandy broke up with me.