Cliff Gardner

Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Bath Mat Diaries

This morning I took a shower (naked!) and got to thinking about how the life of a bath mat must suck, so I wrote a short story from the perspective of one of these necessary rubber things (if I had a nickel), in the form of diary entries:

March 6th

The fat man showered last today. He should buy some stock in head and shoulders because I’m convinced that he’s single-handedly keeping them in business.

April 9th

I like weekends because the smelly teenager who pees on my usually skips showering when he doesn’t have to go out in public. Thank you, World of Warcraft, for distracting him so well.

June 1st

At first I didn’t mind when the woman with the warts on her feet sang while standing on me, but if I hear one more version of “Walk like a Man” where she just repeats the chorus, I swear to Loofah I’m gonna kill her. This is melodious genocide!

June 7th

Today the teenager dropped the soap on me three times. If I wasn’t so sure his high school years would soon answer this question for me, I would wonder aloud how he likes getting hit in the face repeatedly.

June 27th

Cleaning day! I suppose on some level it is wrong for me to get this excited about being hung over the shower door for ten minutes while the fat man scrubs away below me, but really, it’s the only vacation I get. One of these days I’m just going to pack up and move to some island hot tub.


  • Thanks for helping me take the perspective of the other. Due to your sensitivity, I will be conducting a thorough self-evaluation of how I treat plastic and linen products around the house.

    By Anonymous sam, at 7:31 AM  

  • This makes me happy we don't have a bath mat.

    By Anonymous Kristen, at 12:20 PM  

  • HAHA I shower naked tooooo!

    I think being soap is worse; think of all the places you put the soap and how quickly you go through it.... poor soap!

    By Anonymous Kim, at 1:09 PM  

  • I love it. So creative so funny. And next . . . your life as a toilet brush ;-)

    By Anonymous Lucy, at 6:30 PM  

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