Your Cliff Gardner Horoscope!

This one goes out to Liz, by request! :-)


Aries: On the plus side, you won’t need sandpaper anymore.

Taurus: No director will ever buy your screenplay, “Mike Syringehands.” No wait, I forgot about Tim Burton.

Gemini: Well, you weren’t really using both kidneys anyway, right? At least you’ll get to eat more of that delicious hospital Jell-O again. No, sorry, I forgot. The hospital changed chefs since your last visit after the snapping turtle incident.

Cancer: You’re A & E biography will characterize you as a “white Urkel.” I’m ok with that comparison if you are.

Leo: Ignore the stares of strangers—shouting “YAHTZEE” at an elevator really does make it arrive faster. Do you want to be punctual or popular? You can’t be both. CHOOSE RIGHT NOW!

Virgo: Justin Timberlake really does love you and I think selling your car on e-bay to buy a thousand more copies of his latest album is a perfect way to show him how much you care.

Libra: Following up every compliment with a really sarcastic “well aren’t you CLEVER?!” is more charming that most folks will give you credit for.

Scorpio: Look at it this way—at least the Sea World employees will hose you down during the trip back to your natural habitat which you can’t survive in because you’ve been in captivity for too long.

Sagittarius: You’re right and she’s wrong—the “Reading Rainbow” theme does count as a love song and her illiterate ass doesn’t deserve you!

Capricorn: When I said that taxidermy was an ok hobby for a kid, I had no idea that this was what you had in mind.

Pisces: Wearing camouflage all the time really does make you invisible.

Aquarius: Bill Nye the science guy isn’t after your lucky charms. You’ve got him confused with the kids, you silly leprechaun. Bill Nye’s the one who wants to kill you for keying his car.