Cliff Gardner

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Helpful guidlines for sex with a bigot

My friends over at the321podcast were discussing the neo-Nazi twin band Prussian Blue and how their music is, you know, genocidal, but how they were still pretty attractive (or at least they will be in 7-8 years). I've put some thought into this...a little too much thought, as you'll see...and I've realized this problem is both bad and difficult to fix. It centers around a simple question: are you allowed to be attracted to hot women (and men, although I focus on women--think Prussian Blue if they're 24) if they are dropping n-bombs and quoting from the Prodigals of Zion all the time? Obviously, there's nothing worse than genocide and racism (at least I hope there's not). However, if someone is really, REALLY hot, are there any ways around this huge roadblock? I say yes, and I've created a 4-part set of guidelines, listed below, to help you through this tricky situation. Here is your guide to guilt-free sex with bigots:

1) The bigot must be really hot. As will be explained later, this relationship has to exist ONLY on a physical level. Talking to the bigot is discouraged, because conversation will only remind you that they want to kill all of X race. If they're not hot, and I mean Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's love child hot, then don't bother, it's not worth it.

2) Your relationship with the bigot must be temporary. This little racist isn't your girlfriend, fiance or wife. This is not a regular thing. The goal here is to form no attachments whatsoever to the Hitler spawn because the more time you spend with them doing relationship things, the more likely it is you'll have to listen to their Mein Kampf poetry or, worse yet, you'll start to actually consider their arguments. No drives to wine country with the chick in the Klan Hood for you. A good rule for this step is to not sleep with the bigot more than ten (random and irregular) times, and if she expresses any feelings for you at all, it's over.

3) Your entirely-physical relationship with the bigot must be one-sided. You don't want the n-bomb dropping girl to enjoy herself at all. AT ALL. Your goal is not to give her any pleasure whatsoever while ONLY satisfying yourself, and ideally she'll want to take a shower immediately following these encounters (use your imagination). Anything that makes her life better would only seem to reward her terrible behavior, and that's obviously a backwards-step.

4) Some side-efforts must be taken, both during and after sleeping with the bigot, to reject her specific bigotry. For example, if you decide to have sex with the Prussian Blue twins in ten years, you can do so while wearing a Star of David condom (do those exist? If not, throw in your copy of Schindler's List or put on your headphones and listen to an audio book of Night by Elie Wiesel while you're being intimate with them) and then later, donate 50 bucks to the Shoah Foundation or something. If you're sleeping with the daughter of the KKK's Grand Dragon, throw on Ruben Carter's boxing rob and go for it, and then write a big fat check to the United Negro College Fund 20 minutes after you're done. This way, no one can accuse you of actually subscribing to their twisted logic just because you're having sex with them.

Bottom line: These guidelines aren't perfect. It's unlikely that anyone in the racist community would actually fit/put up with all 4 of these steps, and finding such a person could very easily be like chasing your 100% white whale (actually, I forgot about step 1 for a second, so never mind, bad analogy). Still, I believe that if executed as suggested, these guidelines can obsolve you of any guilt you might have over sleeping with Megan Fox if she had a swastika tattoo.


  • If laughter weren't too painful due to a sore throat, I would have been laughing hysterically. Hilarious!

    By Blogger Melissa Leeanne, at 11:42 AM  

  • The funniest part of this article is the fact it was wrote by the biggest bigot I have seen on the net. The author needs two things. A factual perspective of life and a few facts. It always proves true that the true communist is the one calling everyone else a Nazi. Not a surprise since Hitler hated commies.

    By Blogger Caucasiannation, at 2:19 PM  

  • Wow...ok, which factual life facty-fact-facts do I need? Am I a bigot or...huh? What? I'm really confused. I mean, are you saying that I'm a bigot because I make fun of anti-semites and racists? To be clear, I feel pretty awesome about making fun of that terrible collection of people.

    By Blogger T-Mac, at 3:19 PM  

  • Excuse me, Caucasiannation, but I noticed that you're not updating your blog anymore (as of Nov 4th, 2008.) Could you please begin regular posting again? I'd really like to hear more of your personal views and have the opportunity to make fun of you for them on a regular basis. Thanks!


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