Your Cliff Gardner Horoscope!

Aries: When people say, “wow, you’ve clearly been doing most of your shopping out of the Sky Mall catalogue,” they don’t mean it as a compliment.

Taurus: Just because you love the movie “The Mighty Ducks” doesn’t mean you should continue to drink and drive in the hope that after your eventual arrest, the judge will assign you to coach a local pee-wee hockey team as community service.

Gemini: The longer you wear that confederate flag shirt with the wolf ripping through it, the sexier you become.

Cancer: On the plus side, your autobiography “My Adventures with the Meningococcal Virus” will be a best seller.

Leo: “IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN!” isn’t as good of a pickup line at bars as you think it is.

Virgo: You take the phrase “screwed the pooch” to a new and probably illegal level.

Libra: “Get-er-done” is a perfectly valid thesis and your economics professor was wrong to tell you otherwise.

Scorpio: People will forever look at you like the Amish look at a space shuttle launch.

Sagittarius: I don’t think I’ve ever known someone who got planters warts on their eye lids. Congratulations?

Capricorn: The good news, if you can call it that, is that your new porn name is “Kip Avalanche.” The bad news is that the casts don’t come off for another six weeks.

Aquarius: Newspapers will say that you’ve been hunting Olympic Gold Medalist Keri Strug like inspector Javert pursued Jean Valjean.

Pisces: You are right that the heavy snow in the northeast is just God’s way of punishing the ancestors of the laziest pilgrims who gave up on manifest destiny right out of the gate.