Advice to strangers, volume one

To the guy in front of me at Blockbuster today, I have a few words of advice. First, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray” is not cologne and should not be used as such. Second, just because you’re wearing a Promise Keepers t-shirt doesn’t mean you get to SHOUT at the cashier over a late fee for—I shit you not—Captain Ron. I bet you were one of those kids in high school who prayed around the flagpole and then knocked up your girlfriend a month later. Remember, condoms are a sin! Third, not that I expect good decisions from a middle aged dude with a soul patch, but you might want to not scream at strangers in public IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS. Send their blonde asses to space camp or something.