Your Cliff Gardner Horoscope!
Aries:
Today is your day! Well, not really, let’s be honest.
Taurus:
Tupac isn’t alive, he wasn’t part of a CIA conspiracy, he was just shot, and it was probably gang related. There, I saved you another sleepless night.
Gemini:
You will win the lotto tomorrow, but only if you buy 1,600 tickets.
Cancer:
GET OFF MY LAWN!
Leo:
Well what did you think was going to happen? I mean, you tip a cow over enough, he’s gonna kick you in the face.
Virgo:
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game didn’t eat your quarter like you’ve been drunkenly bitching about for the last hour—you just put in a nickel.
Libra:
It fell in the toilet, but don’t worry. I SAID DON’T WORRY.
Scorpio:
It’s not too late to pursue a career as a sumo wrestler.
Sagittarius:
Invest in a/the pumpkin patch.
Capricorn:
The comparisons of you and Pumba from “The Lion King” are meant in the nicest possible way. Fatty.
Aquarius:
The roof is, the roof is, the roof is on fire.
Pisces:
You’re a Russian prostitute. It’s ok, blame your parents.
Today is your day! Well, not really, let’s be honest.
Taurus:
Tupac isn’t alive, he wasn’t part of a CIA conspiracy, he was just shot, and it was probably gang related. There, I saved you another sleepless night.
Gemini:
You will win the lotto tomorrow, but only if you buy 1,600 tickets.
Cancer:
GET OFF MY LAWN!
Leo:
Well what did you think was going to happen? I mean, you tip a cow over enough, he’s gonna kick you in the face.
Virgo:
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game didn’t eat your quarter like you’ve been drunkenly bitching about for the last hour—you just put in a nickel.
Libra:
It fell in the toilet, but don’t worry. I SAID DON’T WORRY.
Scorpio:
It’s not too late to pursue a career as a sumo wrestler.
Sagittarius:
Invest in a/the pumpkin patch.
Capricorn:
The comparisons of you and Pumba from “The Lion King” are meant in the nicest possible way. Fatty.
Aquarius:
The roof is, the roof is, the roof is on fire.
Pisces:
You’re a Russian prostitute. It’s ok, blame your parents.
posted by T-Mac at
9:55 PM
10 Comments:
Seeming that the loto is 156 million, 1,600 tickets doesn't seem like to high a price.
By
Anonymous, at 12:20 AM
fatty yourself!
By
Anonymous, at 8:06 AM
So, you must be a Capricorn, eh?
By
Anonymous, at 9:14 AM
Do you realize that I'm a Virgo, so this links up exactly with the "ate my quarter" suggestion on my blog? CREEPY!
By
Anonymous, at 9:15 AM
Several years ago I was in a store in New York and heard a voice that I swore I knew from somewhere. I tracked it down and it was Ernie Sabella (the voice) and when he turned around all I could do was shout "Pumbaa!". That was both my entrance to and exit from the entertainment business.
So I suppose it's a fitting horoscope.
By
SDeGroot, at 2:06 PM
As a Virgo...I must protest. I played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on my original NES system. Screw the arcade game that really DO eat your quarters!! ;)
By
Anonymous, at 6:53 PM
But the toilet is so dirty!!
By
Anonymous, at 10:47 PM
-that was zayne. oops
By
Anonymous, at 10:48 PM
Are you calling me fat?
By
Anonymous, at 2:40 AM
I've always been conserned about Tupac, now I KNOW!
By
Anonymous, at 11:06 AM
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