Cliff Gardner

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Your Cliff Gardner Horoscope!

Aries:

Today is your day! Well, not really, let’s be honest.

Taurus:

Tupac isn’t alive, he wasn’t part of a CIA conspiracy, he was just shot, and it was probably gang related. There, I saved you another sleepless night.

Gemini:

You will win the lotto tomorrow, but only if you buy 1,600 tickets.

Cancer:

GET OFF MY LAWN!

Leo:

Well what did you think was going to happen? I mean, you tip a cow over enough, he’s gonna kick you in the face.

Virgo:

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game didn’t eat your quarter like you’ve been drunkenly bitching about for the last hour—you just put in a nickel.

Libra:

It fell in the toilet, but don’t worry. I SAID DON’T WORRY.

Scorpio:

It’s not too late to pursue a career as a sumo wrestler.

Sagittarius:

Invest in a/the pumpkin patch.

Capricorn:

The comparisons of you and Pumba from “The Lion King” are meant in the nicest possible way. Fatty.

Aquarius:

The roof is, the roof is, the roof is on fire.

Pisces:

You’re a Russian prostitute. It’s ok, blame your parents.

12 Comments:

  • This is great. Please make this a regular feature. Toliet one = hands down the best one.

    By Blogger Marie Ann, at 11:08 PM  

  • Seeming that the loto is 156 million, 1,600 tickets doesn't seem like to high a price.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:20 AM  

  • fatty yourself!

    By Anonymous Amy, at 8:06 AM  

  • So, you must be a Capricorn, eh?

    By Anonymous sam, at 9:14 AM  

  • Do you realize that I'm a Virgo, so this links up exactly with the "ate my quarter" suggestion on my blog? CREEPY!

    By Anonymous andrea, at 9:15 AM  

  • Tears are pouring down my face. Fatty.

    By Blogger Dave, at 12:36 PM  

  • Several years ago I was in a store in New York and heard a voice that I swore I knew from somewhere. I tracked it down and it was Ernie Sabella (the voice) and when he turned around all I could do was shout "Pumbaa!". That was both my entrance to and exit from the entertainment business.

    So I suppose it's a fitting horoscope.

    By Blogger SDeGroot, at 2:06 PM  

  • As a Virgo...I must protest. I played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on my original NES system. Screw the arcade game that really DO eat your quarters!! ;)

    By Anonymous shea, at 6:53 PM  

  • But the toilet is so dirty!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:47 PM  

  • -that was zayne. oops

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:48 PM  

  • Are you calling me fat?

    By Anonymous Mark, at 2:40 AM  

  • I've always been conserned about Tupac, now I KNOW!

    By Anonymous elizabeth, at 11:06 AM  

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