Cliff Gardner

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Your Cliff Gardner Horoscope!


Today is your day! Well, not really, let’s be honest.


Tupac isn’t alive, he wasn’t part of a CIA conspiracy, he was just shot, and it was probably gang related. There, I saved you another sleepless night.


You will win the lotto tomorrow, but only if you buy 1,600 tickets.




Well what did you think was going to happen? I mean, you tip a cow over enough, he’s gonna kick you in the face.


The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game didn’t eat your quarter like you’ve been drunkenly bitching about for the last hour—you just put in a nickel.


It fell in the toilet, but don’t worry. I SAID DON’T WORRY.


It’s not too late to pursue a career as a sumo wrestler.


Invest in a/the pumpkin patch.


The comparisons of you and Pumba from “The Lion King” are meant in the nicest possible way. Fatty.


The roof is, the roof is, the roof is on fire.


You’re a Russian prostitute. It’s ok, blame your parents.


  • This is great. Please make this a regular feature. Toliet one = hands down the best one.

    By Blogger Marie Ann, at 11:08 PM  

  • Seeming that the loto is 156 million, 1,600 tickets doesn't seem like to high a price.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:20 AM  

  • fatty yourself!

    By Anonymous Amy, at 8:06 AM  

  • So, you must be a Capricorn, eh?

    By Anonymous sam, at 9:14 AM  

  • Do you realize that I'm a Virgo, so this links up exactly with the "ate my quarter" suggestion on my blog? CREEPY!

    By Anonymous andrea, at 9:15 AM  

  • Tears are pouring down my face. Fatty.

    By Blogger Dave, at 12:36 PM  

  • Several years ago I was in a store in New York and heard a voice that I swore I knew from somewhere. I tracked it down and it was Ernie Sabella (the voice) and when he turned around all I could do was shout "Pumbaa!". That was both my entrance to and exit from the entertainment business.

    So I suppose it's a fitting horoscope.

    By Blogger SDeGroot, at 2:06 PM  

  • As a Virgo...I must protest. I played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on my original NES system. Screw the arcade game that really DO eat your quarters!! ;)

    By Anonymous shea, at 6:53 PM  

  • But the toilet is so dirty!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:47 PM  

  • -that was zayne. oops

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:48 PM  

  • Are you calling me fat?

    By Anonymous Mark, at 2:40 AM  

  • I've always been conserned about Tupac, now I KNOW!

    By Anonymous elizabeth, at 11:06 AM  

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