Your Cliff Gardner Horoscope!

In honor of Liz's triumphant return, I offer this new collection of horoscopes!

Aries: Your ability to have entire conversations by using only the lyrics to Michael Jackson songs probably isn’t a talent you should put on your day care applications.

Taurus: Your refusal to wear pants may cost you your job, but at least you'll always have your rock-paper-scissors career to fall back on. Oh wait, I forgot that you suck at RPS.

Gemini: Hey, at least you’re standing on principle. No, wait, that’s not principle at all, that’s a tightrope overlooking a giant pool of piranhas. My mistake!

Cancer: Wow...I didn’t know it was possible to get athlete's foot there. I’ll call Guinness.

Leo: You take the phrase “egg on your face” to a new and dangerous level that will probably earn you another trip back to solitary confinement.

Virgo: Look at it this way— not many epitaphs read “crushed by a fat man in a phone booth,” so at least your death will bring laughter to thousands of cemetery goers for years to come.

Libra: On the plus side, your adult film name will involve the words “kookoo clock,” which is pretty clever.

Scorpio: Fried Green Tomatoes are not the amazing party snacks you think they are, both because they’re hard to pick up with toothpicks and because most people didn’t like that movie anyway.

Sagittarius: So what have we learned from this little incident? I mean, aside from the fact that confusing potpourri and mixed nuts is more common than either of us thought?

Capricorn: From now on, I will call you “paper jam.” I mean that in the worst possible way.

Pisces: Your level 25 Paladin doesn’t require Vespene gas and doesn’t live in Azeroth. I think you’re losing all touch with reality. Put down the air horn and come back into the convention center and we’ll work this out. Want a light-saber hot dog? My treat!

Aquarius: Did you know that Thailand was called Siam until 1939? You did? Well you’re a tough person to impress. Maybe if I said it in jive? Welcome back!