Your Cliff Gardner Horoscope!

Aries: Don’t get discouraged, everyone gets a speeding ticket every so often. The chronic bedwetting, on the other hand, you can get discouraged about.

Taurus: Your obsession with Olympic curling is completely healthy.

Gemini: Dressing up as Andrew Jackson on every day except President’s Day is the best idea you’ve ever had.

Cancer: No, I won’t sign your yearbook. Or your boobs.

Leo: You’re right, the Tomato kid who won the half pipe in Torino does look like the Sherminator from “American Pie.” Now put down the megaphone and go back into Sears.

Virgo: I know it was you who farted in contracts.

Libra: I can squat five hundred pounds, or your mom, but not both. OH SNAP!

Scorpio: It really is ok; I couldn’t have eaten all those Red Vines either. Still, you should have at least pulled over.

Sagittarius: Cheney was aiming at you.

Capricorn: In spite of the court order, I really think there’s a chance that you and Hugo Weaving can work things out.

Aquarius: Well, a porn career is now certainly out of the question, but at least showering will be faster.

Pisces: Give yourself a nickname! I recommend “the stapler,” or perhaps “the staple remover.”