Cliff Gardner

Sunday, March 05, 2006

The 78th Annual Academy Awards!

Since this is the first year I’ve seen all of the best picture nominees, and because Jon Stewart is hosting, I thought I would blog my running journal of the experience!

5:00: The opening sequence was pretty funny…Billy Crystal and Chris Rock did a Brokeback Mountain Impression, and David Letterman called Steve Martin’s kids weird. Fair enough.

5:06: Jon Stewart’s opening line—ladies, gentlemen, Felicity Huffman (hahaaa…I hope she wins for TransAmerica).

5:08: “Bjork couldn’t be here tonight because she was trying on her dress and Dick Cheney shot her.” Well done, Jon.

5:14: “There’s nothing even remotely gay about traditional Hollywood westerns,” followed by a 3 minute montage of the most homoerotic western clips ever. Awesome.

5:18: Best Supporting Actor goes to…….George Clooney for Syriana! I agree, he deserved it. A great acceptance speech, too. “I don’t know how you compare art.” Well put. That’s how I’ll feel judging an interp outround at AFA.

5:24: That’s the second joke Jon Stewart has made at Clooney’s expense. “I’m glad that George Clooney won the first Oscar, that’s the sort of thing that can really get a guy laid.”

5:27: Ben Stillar was sort of funny with the whole green-suit/green-screen gag, but it got kind of old…and the sketch was only 20 seconds long. I hope this sketch ends with a freak gasoline fighting accident.

5:31: Best Animated Feature goes to……..Wallace and Grommit! Tim Burton looks like he’s about to grab an animated rifle and climb the nearest animated bell tower. I wouldn’t want to be his heroin spoon right now.

5:35: Dolly Parton is singing for some reason. I think Joan Rivers and Dolly should meet in the first ever plastic surgery cage fight.

5:47: I really could have done without the pretentious “hand-drawn animation is the only real animation” speech by the guy who won for best animated short film. He looks like he has seen more than his share of UFO’s.

5:51: Russell Crow looks really pissed off. Don’t worry, Russ, there’s a boilermaker waiting for you behind that curtain.

5:58: Steve Carrell and Will Farrell with terrible makeup on...hilarious! Oh no, they just cut off one of the winners for best makeup before she could even give her speech, that’s sad! Good thing she’s a makeup expert and can hide those tears with lots of foundation and blush (I clearly know nothing about makeup).

6:05: Best Supporting Actress goes to…….Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardner! Amy Adams got robbed, only because she was so great as the hot purse girl on The Office. Still, I loved The Constant Gardner and Weisz did a great job, too. After being snubbed in BOTH The Mummy movies, she was due.

6:19: Watching Terrance Howard present the Oscar for Best Documentary Short Film really makes me respect him less as an actor. Seriously, if I had a ballot in front of me it would read, “your character voice and intro voice are the same, try to make them vocally and physically distinct. 4, 18”

6:22: Oh God, the March of the Penguins folks brought up stuffed animal penguins with them to give their acceptance speeches for best documentary. I swear I’m not making that up. Note to self: stay out of Antarctica, it does weird things to you.

6:25: I just realized that Jennifer Lopez does that same eye-blinking thing that Jess does when she emphasizes a point while speaking. I'm going to start calling Jess "J-Po."

6:26: They set the stage on fire for the “In the Deep” performance from Crash. I bet Cher thinks the Devil is coming to collect.

6:35: Wow, Keannu Reaves just edged out Madonna as the most inappropriate Oscar presenter ever.

6:45: Good God, Salma Hayek is hot…and she turns it over to Itzac Pearlman, the anti-hot. Wow, my libido doesn’t know what to do. Quick! Find Sandra Bullock in the crowd, she’s a good middle ground!

7:10: While I was eating dinner, they gave out some photography award to King Kong and showed the twelfth pointless montage of the show. I think the Team America montage song should have played in the background when Jon Stewart made fun of the Academy for showing so many damn montages. “We’re out of clips.” Classic.

7:20: Everyone is still in shock over the “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp” performance from Hustle and Flow by 36 Mafia. I’m pretty sure Jack Nicholson kept his hand on his wallet the entire time. When they won, Jon Stewart delivered the line of the night: “I think it just got a little easier for a pimp!”

7:34: Thanks for reminding me that Richard Prior died this year, Academy. My pet turtle died this year too, wanna talk about that?

7:41: Jon Stewart is the best host ever. “Martin Scorcese: 0 Oscars. 36 Mafia: 1 Oscar.”

7:45: Hillary Swank looks really, really hot. That sound you heard was my world turning upside down.

7:48: Best Actor goes to….…Phillip Seamore Hoffman for Capote! Well deserved, that was the best performance I’ve seen in a long time.

7:51: That M & M commercial was pretty funny. Anyway…

7:56: Best Cinematography goes to……Memoirs of a Geisha! This just proves that if you turn the sound off before you watch a Rob Marshall movie, it gets a lot better!

7:58: Best Actress goes to…Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line! She’s such a sweetheart, good for her. I should point out that I own the Legally Blonde soundtrack (and I’m not the least bit ashamed of it) and 2-Disc Johnny Cash’s greatest hits album.

8:08: I’m pretty sure Dustin Hoffman is really stoned.

8:19: Best Director goes to…….Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain! Aww, that was cute, he just said “I wish I knew how to quit you” to the Oscar.

8:23: Best Picture goes to…….Crash! Wow! That’s a huge upset! Good for them! However, I must say this: Jack Nicholson is a spotlight hogging egomaniac who should back off and let the focus stay on the nominees.

Great Oscars, I’m glad I watched it.


  • Move over J-Lo Theres a new blinker in town!

    By Blogger The Assassin (burrr), at 9:07 PM  

  • Crash rocks my socks!!! Other than that, seems pretty typical.

    By Anonymous w, at 9:13 PM  

  • It was really funny to read your take on the Oscar's stuff...I agree with a lot (esp. that Salma Hayek is unbelievably gorgeous) except:

    I was heard to say, "God, Reese Witherspoon apparently WASN'T acting in Legally Blonde..." (and then boo)
    Jack Nicholson could pee on a plate and people would love it. He's awesome.

    By Anonymous zayne, at 10:04 PM  

  • that cheney/bjork line rocked my socks.

    i didn't see hilary swank, but i've admired her glam skill/wanted to be her ever since she arrived on the scene. that's why she'll be playing me in the movie of my life.

    and it's S-E-Y-M-O-U-R. pssh. some fan you are!

    By Blogger Ashley, at 12:11 AM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Haylie, at 1:16 PM  

  • Yay for Wallace and Grommit!!

    Yay for the penguin movie!!!

    Let's go to the zoo!!!!!!!!

    By Blogger Haylie, at 1:17 PM  

  • heroin spoon

    You're killin' me, Smalls!

    By Blogger magic, and with love from Sam,, at 2:58 PM  

  • Your Oscar post is way better than my Oscar post I am off to plot jealous revenge ;-).

    By Anonymous Lucy, at 10:31 AM  

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