Cliff Gardner

Friday, April 21, 2006

State Debate!

A few days ago I got a call from a local speech coach. Our conversation went a little something like this:

Coach: Hi Thomas! I really need someone to judge at the state tournament on Thursday and Friday, are you interested?

Me, thinking: Lord, NO! Do you know how much I hate high school forensics in Oregon? Do you have any idea how much I detest the reactionary, backwater yokels who coach in this state?! Readers note: this mental outburst just translated into a long, awkward silence over the phone.

Coach: I’ll pay you 100 dollars a day!

Me: I’LL DO IT! Thinking: I’m such a prostitute.

So anyway, I judged yesterday and am going back today with the promise of being appointed parliamentarian for a student congress session. That means I get to sit around and read a lot. The top three moments from yesterday are:

3. Me overhearing a policy debater saying, in total seriousness, “Look, if we run the U.S. politics disad AND the statism critique, there’s NO WAY we’re losing this round.” What could go wrong?

2. A girl arguing in a public "debate" round, in total seriousness, that “racial profiling makes sense because ‘they’ don’t know how to drive.” Wow. To be fair, she was speaking through a Klan hat so I might have misheard her.

1. Me returning home to find my "Old School" DVD that I ordered off of Amazon waiting for me. Will Farrell heals all wounds. YOU MY BOY, BLUE!


  • WOW - you can make a (probably) long and boring day sound funny. You rule!!

    By Blogger magic, and with love from Sam,, at 8:14 AM  

  • You are one of my favorite prostitutes, second only to myself.

    By Anonymous melissa, at 9:09 AM  

  • Way to take one for the team. You put enough zeros before the decimal point and people will do just about anything.

    By Blogger truax, at 11:07 AM  

  • Who was the nameless coach?

    And come on, some of the coaches in Oregon were CLASSIC.

    By Anonymous sharl, at 5:32 PM  

  • I'd have probably said yes too... then cursed the fact that I didn't spend time selling plasma, growing my hair to be sold or searching some rich person's couch for lost bills...

    By Blogger Inside the Philosophy Factory, at 6:00 PM  

  • well I don't know who "they" are in her world...but I know a lot of "they"s who don't know how to drive...

    and since I am your pimp, you should probably be giving 75% of what you earned if you don't want me to have your knees capped like last time. :)

    you are too funny...but seriously, hand over the cash :D

    By Blogger Speechie, at 10:23 PM  

  • oh yeah...nothing ever goes wrong when you use the statism critique in junction with anything that has to do with the US and how wonderfully terrific and perfect it is...duuuuh *tries to look serious...doesn't work, hold back laughter*

    By Blogger Speechie, at 10:24 PM  

  • Turn, statism critique is SO non-unique

    By Blogger The Assassin (burrr), at 9:18 PM  

  • Until you judge in the state of have no room to talk in terms of actual claims made in debate rounds!

    By Anonymous shea, at 11:34 AM  

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