Cliff Gardner

Monday, August 28, 2006

The 58th Emmy Awards!

7:57: I’ve got a box full of pudding pops and 90 Emmy Awards to get through so LET’S GO!

8:07: The opening sketch was really funny, although The Office sketch was easily my favorite. Making fun of Pam and Jim’s sexual tension is comedic gold.

8:09: “Mel Gibson has a new show on Al Jazera.” It’s funny because it’s true.

8:13: Conan is singing. Time to get a pudding pop.

8:17: The squeaky woman from Will and Grace won some award. Her voice is not at all squeaky. My world is crumpling down around me. What’s next, a really skinny Willford Brimley? A normal sounding Fran Dresher?

8:20: Alan Alda won for best supporting actor in a something or other for playing Governor Arnold Vinnick on The West Wing. Good for him, although I’m glad Santos beat his ass.

8:28: Someone not from Grey’s Anatomy win for best supporting actress. Something smells fishy.

8:32: Jeremy Piven won for Entourage, the best show I’ve never seen. Frankly I think he should have won something for playing the role of Droz on PCU, so he was clearly due.

8:36: I really want the guy who played the President on 24 to give out this random award he’s presenting by saying, “this won’t help you hit a curve ball, so I say FUCK YOU, Jo-boo--congratulations.”

8:46: The Daily Show won for best comedy/variety series. I would have given it to The Colbert Report and I think Jon Stewart agrees and feels guilty. Still, I bet they’re going to have some fun with this on their shows so in the interest of comedy, it’s probably a good thing.

8:50: Wow…the My Name is Earl director has a really, really hot wife. Good for him. I hope that makes up for his show totally sucking.

8:53: The other My Name is Earl director made fun of the Step by Step exec who told him to clean up gum back when he was a PA. He should have made fun of him for being one of the creative minds on Step by Step.

8:57: Simon Cowell just got booed by soulless Hollywood leaches who have made careers out of sucking the life out of people. Ouch.

9:09: I thought the only success of the movie Friday Night Lights was illustrating how painfully sad the lives of high school football players who peak at 17 are. Apparently that earns a spot on NBC’s fall lineup. At least it will be cancelled by the time I’m back in the country.

9:13: Is it too much to ask to memorize a 30 second acceptance speech? I mean, I know the bar is pretty low for Barry Manilow, but still….

9:19: Of course there’s another evil in the acceptance speech word which the Soprano’s Emmy-winning writer just illustrated—sprinting through a laundry list that thanks everyone you’ve ever known, including your pet hamster Claude. I just think you’re better off telling a little story and sitting down. Treat an acceptance speech like a novice LOC. Hahaha, debate joke!

9:23: A cheerleader with super powers? If you’re thinking that’s the best porn film ever, you’d be right, but sadly also wrong. NBC: that’s gooooood television!

9:28: Pudding pops three and four, check.

9:32: The Daily Show won for best writing. It must suck being against your best friends in every category but I bet that’s the best job ever.

9:41: Andre Braugher won for lead actor in a miniseries. Although I never watched Theif, I’m sure he did a great job since he’s one of the tip five actors in the world. Seriously, if you don’t know who this guy is, go rent Glory or get some Homicide episodes off of Netflix. You’ll thank me.

9:43: Matthew Perry and Bradley Whiteford has great chemistry. If only they had a great show that they could star in together with a great writer/director to back them up. Oh WAIT! I’m SOOOO EXCITED for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip!

9:45: The guy from Monk won for best actor in a comedy instead of Steve Carrell. Wow. Any street cred this show had in the Braugher win just went out the window. I’m going to eat two more pudding pops (5 and 6) to dull the pain.

9:51: Wow, the late Aaron Spelling was really good with a Light saber. Oh wait, that was Yoda on the Fox presentation of Attack of the Clones that I was watching while the Academy did that ridiculous tribute to Aaron Spelling. My bad.

10:06: James Woods just hit on Eva Longorea. I really, really want her boyfriend Tony Parker to jump out of the audience and hit Woods in the face with the cast on his thumb that’s keeping him out of the World Basketball Championships. Honestly, wouldn’t that be the best celebrity fight ever?

10:11: Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert just had one of the funniest moments in Award Show history. Seriously, I could watch them all day. Hey, and the Amazing Race won for best reality show and Zayne and I haven’t even applied yet so the best is yet to come for them!

10:15: This just in: ER will be showing new episodes on NBC until cybernetic robots rule the earth and make medical technology as we know it unnecessary.

10:19: Catherine Hagel—the smoking hot doctor from Grey’s Anatomy—is looking really beautiful and also really nervous, which oddly just adds another level to her hotness. Seriously, she’s so hot she’s about to melt Omar Epps.

10:22: James Gandolphini looks really, really pissed off. I’m half expecting him to smash one of the bottles of MGD that he’s been sucking on all evening over the head of the cast of Elizabeth the First.

10:25: Jack Warden, the asshole politician grandpa from the Problem Child movies, passed away this year. That’s sad, he was really funny.

10:31: Felicity Huffman is our generation’s Audrey Hepburn. Also, HBO’s Elizabeth the First is apparently great despite no one ever watching it. Come on, no love for FX?! Nip/Tuck, anyone?! COME ON!

10:35: So let me get this straight—a Law and Order detective is more talented than the White House Chief of Staff? Wow. It’s almost hard to believe that some people have trouble taking the Emmy’s seriously.

10:42: You’ll always be Elaine to me, Julia Luis Dreyfus! The Academy can clearly spare a square for you!

10:43: Jesus, Ray Liotta has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers.

10:50: It turns out that slamming down pudding pops for three hours isn’t the best thing you can do to your stomach. It’s going to be a long night.

10:52: The Office just won for best comedy series. Suck on that one, Arrested Development! Seriously, I’m really, really glad they won. The Office is one of the few shows that I actually make an effort to watch every week. It’s just a great show, so good for them!

10:55: 24 is the best dramatic show on television. Hmm…maybe it’s time for me to watch a few seasons. If people think it was better than the West Wing AND Grey’s Anatomy last season, then maybe it’s worth renting.

11:01: Yup, I don’t think I’ll watch the Emmy’s sober again.

9 Comments:

  • "24 is the best dramatic show on television. Hmm…maybe it’s time for me to watch a few seasons."

    Have you learned nothing from my blog?

    By Blogger Your Friendly Neighborhood Clark Bar, at 12:50 PM  

  • hahaha great play by play!!!

    By Blogger Kourtney, at 3:23 PM  

  • aw, good times! LOL! I hope your stomach is better :)

    By Anonymous Kim, at 3:52 PM  

  • Spare a square - ahh, thanks for taking me back to an awesome episode of the best show ever!

    By Blogger magic, and with love from Sam,, at 4:54 PM  

  • I thought ER ended like 3 years ago...

    By Blogger truax, at 12:09 AM  

  • I was so disappointed by the total shut out of ABC shows this year! Grey's Anatomy is quite possibly the best show on television if not at least the best written and it got nothing! Meanwhile Lost didn't even get a single nomination and Boston Legal got totally snubbed with awards too despite its two nominees being old Hollywood TV giants! Thankfully Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert saved the day. "I lost to Barry Manilow!"

    By Anonymous sharl, at 12:50 AM  

  • This is fucking awesome. Let Simmons have the NBA draft, I'll take T-Mac on the Emmys!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:57 AM  

  • Hey hey hey!!!! Arrested Development is also awesome!!!! Gosh... I don't think I could have watched the Emmy's. My two greatest loves, pitted against each other... it's making me nervous just thinking about it...

    By Blogger Haylie, at 10:01 PM  

  • Catherine Hagel is 113 years old.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:29 AM  

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