Cliff Gardner

Friday, August 18, 2006

I'll show you a soccer riot!

Tonight I saw my first professional soccer game with Amy, Max, Jesse and Amy’s friend Val, and I had a total blast! The Portland Timbers are a pretty good team, but I’m not really a big soccer fan in general, so what made the game so entertaining for me was their fans, known as the Timbers Army. They’re loud, obnoxious, drunk people who shout, chant and throw things. Their leader is the Timbers’ mascot, a logger with an honest-to-God chainsaw. Whenever the Timbers scored a goal, he would cut a hunk out of a giant tree that was lying around just a few feet off the field and wave it around. I’ll admit that I got in to their clapping and cheering, and in particular, their really profane chants. My favorite was “YOU’RE SO SHITTY IT’S UN-BE-LEAVABLE, *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap, clap-clap-clap-clap, clap-clap* [DOG SHOW!]

I’ve decided that there should be more activities where it is socially acceptable to drink, shout and swear in public, if only because it gives folks a chance to vent. I’m betting that most of the Timbers Army people are actually really normal folks who work 9-5 jobs, go home, walk their dogs, watch Will and Grace re-runs and go to sleep. Without these games, that routine could only last so long before they grab rifles and head for rooftops. Monotony will drive people crazy, and these games are a welcome break from that. It’s like the release offered by Fight Club, except without the bruises, hopefully. :-)

PORT-LAND! *clap, clap* TIM-BERS! *clap, clap*


  • You're an excellent clapper. It's definitely one of your strengths.

    By Blogger magic, and with love from Sam,, at 11:47 PM  

  • That sounds exactly like the wedding I was at last night! Crazed, drunken guests, a guy with a chainsaw, lewd/profane chants...the justice who performed the ceremony was even dressed as a referee!

    No wait...that wasn't last night, that was how my dream wedding will be. Never mind.

    Glad you had fun!

    By Anonymous Liz, at 12:54 PM  

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