Cliff Gardner

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Letters to various pop singers

Dear Nelly Furtado,

I was listening to a recent exchange you had with a gentleman that went something like this:

You: You expect me to just let you hit it, but will you still respect me if you get it
Him: All I can do is try, gimme one chance, what’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand

Now, you raise a valid point in wondering whether he will respect you if your relationship is purely physical—a point that he never actually answers. That should be a huge red flag, Nelly, and you should feel comfortable in being both mad and mean to him.



Dear Justin Timberlake,

Thank you so much for bringing sexy back. I was just thinking the other day how long it had been since I had seen sexy and there you were, Mr. Johnny-on-the-spot with all the sexy I could handle. You should feel free to get your sexy on and be gone with it, although I’m not sure I know what that means and I don’t think you need my permission to begin with.

Thanks again and good luck with all the sexy,


Dear Rihanna,

It has come to my attention that you’re being unfaithful to your significant other. While I don’t think cheating on someone you love is ever a good idea, I think an even worse idea is telling lots and lots of people about it on the radio. So, my advice is simple--stop cheating on your man. I don’t need to tell you what this is doing to the poor boy, and if he’s really the reason the sky is blue for you, then you’ll stop it.




  • Comic gold.

    By Blogger Your Friendly Neighborhood Clark Bar, at 1:05 PM  

  • You can tell that's well done because I have never heard the songs you refer to, but I still laughed out loud!

    By Anonymous Liz, at 1:11 PM  

  • This is very clever, Thomas. Very clever!

    By Anonymous Sharl, at 5:23 PM  

  • Maybe you should offer some advice to poor Lance Bass--I think he's fearing his big announcement will hurt NSync's image...

    By Anonymous sharl, at 5:24 PM  

  • This was hilarious! I loved it.

    Sorry about confusing you on my post.

    By Anonymous Holli, at 7:56 PM  

  • hahaha, you should really send them and see if you get a reply!

    By Blogger Laura, at 10:30 PM  

  • LOL - seriously, I really did, and it was loud and I'm at work. I just a glare from of the attorneys...

    By Anonymous special-K, at 10:14 AM  

  • You are a funny, funny man.

    By Blogger Mike Owens, at 3:25 PM  

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