Your Cliff Gardner Horoscope!

Aries: Your paper mache bikini does not make up for in form what it lacks in function.

Taurus: Handball tryouts aren’t what you think they are and I’m afraid you’re going to be terribly disappointed.

Gemini: Despite what your lawsuit alleges, March of the Penguins was not based off of your life and you’re not entitled to any royalties. It will be painfully ironic, then, when you’re devoured by a leopard seal just moments after your case is dismissed.

Cancer: While you’re technically right that the saying is home is where you hang your hat, I don’t think that’s what they meant.

Leo: Don’t listen to them! Your Pog collection is great first date material!

Virgo: You’re just wrong—Chlamydia does not count as a wedding gift so just go to Bed Bath and Beyond like everyone else you cheap bastard.

Libra: The good news is that you’re going to win the lottery this week! The bad news is that your prize will be four cartons of cigarettes which, as I’m sure you’re aware, you’re forbidden to smoke in your Syrian prison cell.

Scorpio: It took guts to go out on a limb like that and ask that special crush of yours out! Too bad that limb was rotting on the inside because of a nasty bout of Dutch Elm Disease.

Sagittarius: I don’t think you can be reincarnated if the person is still alive; plus, you’re nothing like Natalie Merchant anyway so just end your 36 hour stand off in Tower Records already.

Capricorn: You’re right to secure your Nalgene to your backpack using that carabineer. The class-four rock face in between your afternoon classes is pretty extreme.

Pisces: In your honor, Ice Cube will release a remixed version of his famous song this week entitled, “You can’t do it so don’t even bother putting your back into it.”

Aquarius: Your quest to travel the world in a hot air balloon will come to an abrupt end this week, although you will develop a new appreciation for the Disney classic “The Jungle Book” in the process.