My Obituary

My friend Christine challenged her readers to write their own obituary. So, here’s mine. Enjoy!?

Thomas McCloskey

Age: 106

Words: 392

Thomas McCloskey, philanthropist and self-described “aqua-naut,” died Wednesday at the age of 106. The immediate cause of death was unknown. However, his mauled body was found in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge submerged in the feces of a two-ton Alaskan Grisly Bear called “patches” by local Inuit villagers, so authorities hypothesized that an assortment of massive internal injuries lead to the death of this great American. An autopsy has yet to be scheduled because the cadaver is smelly and gross.

He is survived by his 7 children, 22 grandchildren, 12 great grand children, and his trusty Labrador Retriever, Horatio, none of whom were there to save his ass when the shit really hit the fan. Thomas’s wife of 82 years, Amanda Guile, passed away last year after a tragic outlet shopping accent left her buried under 66 boxes of wire hangers and thongs. At the time, the bereaved widower was quoted as saying, “that’s how she would have wanted to go, I guess.”

Thomas’s education at Willamette University and the Seattle University College of Law is recognized by modern historians and the best and worst years each institution ever had. While graduating with a degree in Politics in 2005, Thomas left Willamette with the same shaky knees Little Red Riding Hood had after her encounter with the Wolf in the acclaimed musical “Into the Woods.” Similarly, the Seattle University College of Law was also changed forever after the moot-court team of McCloskey and Guile won every competition they participated in before being thrown off the team for making out in front of a district court judge.

The success of Thomas’s legal career remains a celebrated example of the acclaimed development of sarcasm as a contemporary legal strategy in the early 21st century. Thomas worked 95 hours per week in order to pay of his student loans, stopping only long enough to impregnate his wife (so, about 30 seconds), for his first five years as a lawyer. After achieving a loose financial equilibrium in 2014, Thomas quit his draining corporate job and began working for the Seattle District Attorney’s Office. Within five years, he was President of the United States.

At Thomas’s request, his organs will be donated to those who need them, although between the bite marks and bear feces, it is unlikely that any of them will be salvaged, despite being frozen in the arctic. Donations may be made is his honor to “The Human Fund.”