Cliff Gardner

Friday, September 15, 2006

My Will

Continuing with the morbid idea that I’ll die while serving in the Peace Corps, my dad suggested that I write a will before I leave. Since I have negative net-worth, by a lot, I asked him if he wanted the smaller or larger portion of my debt. In all seriousness, though, below is my actual will that I came up with. It’s a revision of my previous Living Will which, while funny, isn’t really complete:

To my sister Katie, I will my car, the 1989 Chrysler New Yorker I affectionately call Yucca. She’s awesome—I had a lot of fun in her, placing McDonald’s fry containers on top of older McDonald’s fry containers. The headlights don’t always turn on the dashboard lights, but she’s been good to me so I expect you to be good to her.

To my dad, I will what little money I have. There might even be enough to buy that collector’s edition of Lonesome Dove on DVD that’s you’ve been aching for.

To my mom, I will my clothes, except for the funny t-shirts, which I will to Elizabeth Keniston for always making me smile, and my ties, which I will to Andrew Swan for being such a snappy dresser. Mom--feel free to cut them up and do crafty things with them. Maybe a collage?

To Amy Sample, I will all of my movies. You really need to watch more movies, Amy, and I’ve got some good ones! In particular, I think you’ll find Real Cancun to be a good one after a long evening of heavy drinking.

To David, Kristen and Indy Metzger, I will my box sets of The Office, season one of Nip/Tuck, all six seasons of The West Wing, season one of The Family Guy, seasons one and two of Seinfeld and the entire Sports Night series. May they bring as much joy to you as you did to me.

To Sam Mathies, I will my computer and all of my debate research. Thanks for always being there—you’re a great boss and a better friend!

To Christine Newkirk, I will my books. You’re the older sister I never had. Happy reading!

Again, I'm really not planning on dying for a long, long time, so if you all want this crap any time soon I'm afraid you're in for a big disappointment. :-)


  • But who gets the debt?!?! Who gets the travel pillow and snazzy suits? Who gets your flow pens and cell phone holder? I need answers before you die.

    By Anonymous T-Funny, at 11:19 AM  

  • And I get nothing? Nothing? I hate you and I'm glad you're dead.

    By Anonymous Sharl, at 3:11 PM  

  • Haha, the AmeriCorps actually gave me the option of life insurance during my service year and I took it. I then had to fill out all kinds of forms outlining my beneficiaries in case I do actually land six feet under before July 2007.

    Aside from my massive collection of Law and Order DVD's and laptop...I don't really have enough to warrant a will of some kind. ;)

    By Anonymous shea, at 12:20 PM  

  • Thanks for the computer, but, doesn't it kinda suck?

    By Blogger magic, and with love from Sam,, at 9:27 PM  

  • You know, I bet your books are great and everything, but I am certainly OK with not having them if it means your staying alive for a long, long time!

    By Anonymous Christine, at 12:27 PM  

  • Uh - well I was looking forward to seeing Nip/Tuck - but I guess your life is worth the wait ;)

    I'm gonna miss you :o(

    By Anonymous Kristen, at 1:23 PM  

  • Heya Thomas, would you mind taking my last name off this post? :-)

    By Anonymous Christine, at 10:53 AM  

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