Cliff Gardner

Monday, October 31, 2005

Staples? Yea, I've got that.

I went back to doctor today and they removed the "death" mole from my back. Just to "be safe," they also removed the skin around it, too. I buy the need to remove a potentially lethal piece of skin, by why remove the healthy part? I mean, it wasn't doing anything wrong...just being skin, and then BAM! In a Petri dish being fed-exed to another bone man. Anyway, to finish the job, they sutured my skin back together with something that looked suspiciously like a stapler. For what it's worth, it didn't hurt, at least for several hours.

Last weekend, my students did really well at the Lewis-Clark State College tournament! They're really just a great group to be around. Case in point--since today is Halloween, we dressed up in costumes for the final day of the tournament. Kahali was a cowgirl, Jared was a pirate, Sam and I were three-hole-punch Sam and Thomas (from "The Office") and Josh and Tiffanie were mimes (complete with makeup). We had a blast!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

My visit with the bone man

This morning I went to see the doctor for an annual physical. Three things are worth mentioning:

First, I’m getting fat. After going my entire undergraduate career with my weight fluctuating somewhere between 112-117, I now weigh 128. Feel free to shout FATTY FATTY TWO-BY-FOUR, CAN’T FIT THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR whenever I enter a room.

Second, I’m probably gonna die soon. But seriously, I might have cancer. I have a mole on my back that they’re pretty concerned about, so I’m coming in on Monday to have them remove it. When I called to make the appointment, I asked if I could come in costume since it will be on Halloween. The receptionist laughed and said I could. I think I’ll go as the grim reaper.

Third, I do silly things sometimes. For example, when I got there, I went to the window to check in and just started up with friendly banter. It took the receptionist a few seconds to realize that I was standing there, and then she opened the window which I hadn’t noticed was there and was closed. Everyone in the waiting room laughed. Sick people are assholes.

Today I’m going to the Lewis-Clark State College tournament in Idaho (in an old-person bus with big windows, which I get to drive and in which the team will be watching “Listen to Me” during the eight hour trip!), so I probably won’t be updating until early next week. Stay tuned, though, because I’ve got a few more “that would rock” entries.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

That Would Rock: Volume Three

I think that the national anthem should be replaced by the "Team America" theme, "America, FUCK YEAH!"

"America...America...America, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,
America, FUCK YEAH!
Freedom is the only way yeah,
Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too, America, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my butt, and suck on my balls,
America, FUCK YEAH!
What you going to do when we come for you now, it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow
McDonalds, FUCK YEAH!
Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!
Baseball, FUCK YEAH!
Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!
The Internet, FUCK YEAH!
Slavery, FUCK YEAH!
Starbucks, FUCK YEAH!
Disney world, FUCK YEAH!
Valium, FUCK YEAH!
Reeboks, FUCK YEAH!
Fake Tits, FUCK YEAH!
Taco Bell, FUCK YEAH!
Rodeos, FUCK YEAH!
Bed bath and beyond (Fuck yeah, Fuck yeah)
Liberty, FUCK YEAH!
White Slips, FUCK YEAH!
The Alamo, FUCK YEAH!
Band-aids, FUCK YEAH!
Las Vegas, FUCK YEAH!
Christmas, FUCK YEAH!
Immigrants, FUCK YEAH!
Popeye, FUCK YEAH!
Democrats, FUCK YEAH!
Republicans (republicans)(fuck yeah, fuck yeah)
Sportsmanship Books"

The Olympics would be a lot more entertaining, that's for sure. I'm just saying, THAT WOULD ROCK!

Monday, October 24, 2005

That Would Rock: Volume Two

I think that everyone should have their own posse. To be fair, when I say posse I don’t mean it in the usual wild west or hip hop context. I mean it more along the lines of a small band of dedicated, cult-like followers. Everyone should get to be David Koresh without the issues. Consider how awesome it would be to have just one person who followed you around, nodding approvingly at your every word and uttering phrases like “and so it was, and so it shall be again.” If you were upset, you could take it out on them. For example, I’m guessing nothing would take the edge off a hard day like shouting “Jesus hates toe cleavage; you will BURN for this desecration” at your special friend. The best part is that you would look awesome by comparison! If you’re standing next to the dude quoting Watership Down and mumbling about how the Lord speaks to him through the metric system, you're automatically the lesser of two evils!

I’m just saying, THAT WOULD ROCK!

Sunday, October 23, 2005


If you're like me and you've got nothing better to do during the next thirty or so minutes before "The West Wing" starts, I suggest checking out my two guilty internet pleasures, and postsecret. That should distract you from wondering about whether or not Toby is really the leak.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

That Would Rock: Volume One

I’ve decided to start a new series here on CG called “That Would Rock,” in which I delve deep into my theories for improving the world and life in general.

Today’s edition suggests that everyone, and everything, should have little Pop-Up Video bubbles. Remember that show on VH1 that basically just showed music videos, only they had little informative bubbles that popped up during the whole thing? Well, I think they would make life a hell of a lot easier.

For example, say you’re about to order a sandwich, and a little bubble pops up that reads, “Only 8% of cooks at this restaurant regularly wash their hands,” and another one soon after that reads, “In 1998, this building was closed due to suspicion of asbestos, a fact which corrupt inspectors purposefully overlooked when it reopened last year.” See? These little bubbles just saved you a nasty bout with salmonella and CANCER.

I think the most interesting and helpful feature of these hypothetical bubbles would be during the dating process. They would really put the kybosh on a lot of sleazy Casanova’s. Ladies, say some attractive young man is flirting with you at a bar, and you’re really into him, but then a bubble pops up that reads, “Mike has an unidentified sore on his genitals that he has chosen to ignore for the last six weeks.” Pop-Up Video bubbles would help people see though all the bullshit. Even sex would be more entertaining. Bubbles like “Chuck is hoping you’ll ignore the urine stain on his pants” and “Martha routinely forgets to take her birth control” would be a hoot!

I’m just saying, THAT WOULD ROCK!


If this happens, the Braves will lose the best assistant coach of all time. This wouldn't be the first terrible decision made by the front office...I thought letting Maddux and Glavine go was wrong, as was letting Javy Lopez leave. Leo Mazzone is the only reason we've been able to win in the brutal Nation League East for 14 straight seasons, and if he goes, I'm honestly not sure if we'll stay at the top.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

It's all about the bling.

Today, the Pacific Speech and Debate team hosted a public debate on the Kyoto Protocol. Thanks to the fine folks running "The People Speak," the event earned us $500. More importantly, however, was how awesome and dedicated everyone was to making the event work. Everyone on the squad showed up to watch, walk around with clipboards (part of the grant application is to verify attendance) and cheer loudly for their teammates who were debating on an important issue they cared deeply about.

I'm surrounded by good people all the time.

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Oscar race is OVER.

I know many of you are looking forward to seeing the films that will be released in the next few weeks. Mandy is really excited about "Weatherman" and "North Country," and I’m pretty sure that David is looking forward to "Jarhead." Heck, even I am really pumped about "Walk the Line." Sadly however, all of these wonderful films will be shut out at the Oscars this year because one movie will trump them all, in every single category.

That movie, the cinematic orgasm, is the cartoon masterpiece “Valiant.”

This movie has it all. It might actually be the best movie ever made in the history of time. The only thing holding it back is that Chuck Norris isn’t involved in any way. Seriously, look at my check list for best movie of all time status:

Cartoon movie about pigeons: check.
Voice of Ewan McGregor as the pint-sized hero pigeon: check.
Every motherfucker with a British accent who has ever worked in Hollywood: check.

It better not get snubbed for best cinematography or I’ll lose all faith in the integrity of the Academy.

Friday, October 14, 2005

I'm the next Chris Moneymaker.

You and you and probably you will be happy to know that I won ninety cents tonight playing poker. To be fair, I didn't know that I had won a few times and had to be told what a full house was. Still, I kick ass.

Bill Simmons cracks me up.

This is just another example of why I swing by at least once a day. Bill Simmons is hilarious. I'm generally annoyed with Boston fans, and even I might buy his book. Seriously, he's awesome.

That is all.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I'm all in.

Tomorrow night, Sam Mathies will be hosting the inaugural Pacific University speech and debate team poker tournament at his house. We're expecting quite a turnout despite the fact that most of us, including me, have never played poker before.

This team kicks so much ass.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I love my parents!

Mom: *Hiccups*
Dad: That's it, let it out.
Mom: *Hiccups*
Dad: Good, it's almost over.
Mom: *Hiccups, Hiccups, Hiccups*
Dad: Do you want me to sneak up behind you and scare them outta ya? I think I've got an air horn around here someplace.
Mom: *Hiccups violently*

I swear to God, mom has been hiccuping for the last 2o minutes and this dialogue has continued throughout. You can't make stuff like this up.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Jesus is my homeboy!

My super good friends David and Kristen are getting married next summer, and they recently asked my other totally awesome buddy Zayne and I to be the masters of ceremonies at the event. In order to do so, however, Zayne and I need to be certified to some degree. Enter the Universal Life Church. Yesterday, I became an official, legally ordained reverend in about two minutes online. This allows me to:

--Administer last rights (I'm sure that'll come in handy)
--Absolve myself and others of sins (Confession is for suckers)
--Preside over weddings and funerals (See above)
--Start my own church (Read: cult)

I'm starting to think it's less and less likely that I'll ever be able to run for political office because of my blogging. Oh well.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Celebrate good times!

Last weekend, my team and I attended the Lewis and Clark speech and debate tournament. Over half of our entries made finals in their events, and most of the rest were next-out into finals, or close to it. The highlights include:

--Comfort, a senior from Nigeria, winning both novice persuasion and novice prose in her first tournament ever! She’s soooo adorable, too, so it was great to see her do so well.

--Jess and Tiffanie taking 1st and 3rd in ADS. I’m really proud of them!

--Hallie making finals in very competitive open prose and poetry fields.

--Mark making finals in junior extemp and Jared being next-out in open extemp.

--Emily getting 2nd in impromptu and breaking in debate! YAY!

There’s just so much positive energy on this team…everyone is friendly and supportive all the time, and is very dedicated to learning, having fun, and getting better. I really, really love my job and my team!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

History of Violence

Last night I went to see “A History of Violence” and I must say I was very impressed. If you like unapologetic character dramas, this movie is for you. However, I also came to a few conclusions while watching the film:

1) The average moviegoer is a complete fucking moron.
Seriously, if you can’t handle a movie that challenges you to think, go watch “House of Wax” instead of trivializing a solid film with your constant, idiotic banter.

2) The average moviegoer is (or acts like they are) 12 years old.
Oh my God! They’re having sex! Giggle giggle giggle! Let’s nervously laugh about it! Damn it, people, isn’t it past your bed time?

This is why I want to own my own theatre someday—just to avoid assholes like these.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


I just had lunch at Quiznos. Normally I would make fun of people who eat salads at sandwich places, but the "Honey Mustard Chicken Salad" was totally awesome! I suggest you all try it.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I'm sooo excited!

"The Office" is on tonight at 9:30. I really hope it doesn't get cancelled because I seriously look forward to this show all week. Also, I just discovered that my favorite character on the show, Dwight, has a blog. Enjoy!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Home sweet home!

My mom is going to make me tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner tonight. This is the life! Nothing says home to me like this particular meal! What foods remind you all of home?

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Cursive sucks!

Mandy and I took the LSAT this morning, and we both feel pretty good about it. We'll know how we did in three weeks.

While I was filling out the boat-load of preliminary bubbles before the exam, I also had to copy and sign this little section that basically said that I am who I say I am and that I won't cheat or anything during the exam. As I was writing it, the proctor came over and told me that I needed to "stop printing and write it," meaning that she wanted me to copy the statement in cursive handwriting. I replied, "Uhhh...sorry, this is how I write." She left me alone after that.

This brings up an interesting point--how many of you write in cursive? I remember in the third grade it was "required" to write in cursive. My teacher Mrs. Truax told me that in the fourth grade, I wouldn't be able to print anymore and that only work in cursive would be accepted. Then, when I got to the fourth grade, no one cared how I wrote as long as it was legible, which for me was a battle in and of itself. I felt like running back down the hall to the current batch of third graders being harassed into writing in an archaic fashion and shout to them, "it's a damn lie! Write however you want!" Until today, no one had ever asked me to write in cursive. So, it took 14 years, but Mrs. Truax was finally vindicated in demanding that I write in cursive...sort of.