Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Look, this doesn't make me a bad person!
--Pride and Prejudice, the book or the movie. Maybe it was the fact that my terrible eleventh grade English teacher was so pro-Austin and so anti-Steinbeck that forced my hand on this one, but even now, the thought of Mr. Darcey just makes me puke.
--Any Sugar Ray song. To me, they are the pop equivalent of Ashlee Simpson.
--The New York Mets, and their fans. I have yet to meet one of these folks who wasn't cocky and obnoxious for no good reason. If you're a Mets fan, I'm not saying your an asshole, I'm just saying you're in bad company.
--Shows that aren't on. Seriously, why take weeks off at a time in the middle of a season? I WANT MY WEST WING!
Monday, November 28, 2005
I'm no drug policy expert but...No, wait, I AM!
One of my favorite lines from "The West Wing" is when President Bartlett is arguing about the economy and says "well I'm no economist but...No, wait, I AM AN ECONOMIST!" I like it when smart people with good intentions are a little cocky in their areas of expertise. With that in mind, there aren't a whole lot of things that I feel I can speak with authority on, but American Drug Policy is one of them, so I say this: needle exchange programs are one of the best ways to combat the spread of lethal diseases and ultimately reduce drug use. I won't go into detail here because I assume since you're reading CG that you're smarter than the average blogger, except to say that laws prohibiting the sale of needles are killing tens of thousands of Americans every year and should be repealed.
Amelia Earhart: American Hero?!
These are the thoughts I have when I can't sleep.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Ariel Sharon to Israeli Hawks: Likud My Balls
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Music...makes the people...come together!
-----UPDATE: When I wrote the title for the post, I guess I was a little off. Music doesn't always bring people together. Happy Turkey Day! Gobble Gobble!-----
Lots of my friends are either visiting their significant others now or are on their way, in many cases traveling great distances to do so. Taking a long flight to visit someone is obviously a great indicator of love, and few things exemplify that love more than a couple’s song. Mandy and I have “When You Come Back Down,” by Nickel Creek, although I sometimes sing Peter Frampton’s “Baby, I Love Your Way” to her (largely thanks to "High Fidelity").
This got me thinking…what’s your song? What other songs have you had when in relationships? Just remember that no matter how sappy your song is, you’re not at the bottom of the totem pole because I guarantee you that somewhere, there’s a couple who danced to the original "Hamster Dance" theme song at their wedding.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Chef Boy R' D-Minus
--Egg Nog, three pints (hey, daddy needs his courage, right Zayne?!)
--Microwave Ravioli, various types (hmmm…ravioli)
--Chicken (I want to rub my meals against a wall and see the other side)
--Totino’s Pizza (once bitten, twice shy)
--Easy Mac, Extreme Cheese (That’s why they call me T-Mac)
Things I won’t be getting:
--Any form of soda (I’ve discovered that I’m almost as addicted to caffeine-free Pepsi as I was to the original. From tomorrow on, it’s only water!)
--Any form of potato (Gross)
--Ice Cream (my ass has been elected to the local school board on a platform of being huge, and my thighs are running for Metro. Watch out, McLain!)
Monday, November 21, 2005
The Real OC
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Things I Will Tell My Eventual Therapist: Volume Two
Second, I’m a facebook whore. Want to be my friend? I’ll confirm you! 454 and counting!
Third, Mandy and I have a super-tastic relationship! Just thought you all should know…and be jealous, fookers.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Would You Rather?!
Would you rather be a five year old trapped at the Neverland Ranch
OR
Be a feeble 90 year old trapped in a crooked nursing home?
Things to consider: memory loss, Jesus Juice.
Would you rather have no arms
OR
Have one arm ten feet long?
Things to consider: elevator doors, clapping, volleyball.
Would you rather never have sex again
OR
Have sex every day of your life with Robert Bork?
Things to consider: robes, gavels, Griswold v. Connecticut.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Confessions of a Short Order Cook
Years before, when Mark was skipping his AP English class to work on his time machine, things were different. “I’m going to be somebody,” he told himself. “All you need is an idea…like that guy who invented Pogs! He made a billion dollars, or something, off of cardboard. Why not me?” Weeks later, when the macaroni snapped and the glue melted, his time machine exploding on the launch pad, Mark knew his window for fame and fortune had closed forever.
When Mark was dishonorably discharged from the Army two month later for constantly shouting “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME” to his boot camp instructor, he moved back to Selma, Alabama, and began his new career as a short order cook. Sweating the constant heat of the grill and coughing due to persistent bronchitis, he tried to keep a positive outlook on things. “At least I can make pancakes with the best of them,” Mark quipped at his glaring manager. “And I’m going to flip this fucking egg over without breaking the yolk if it takes me the rest of my adult life!” With new found determination, Mark realized that it’s only settling if you’re genuinely unhappy with where you are in life, and he wasn’t. For some reason, in spite of everything, Mark was happy. Over the grease and smoke of his grill, he managed to smile.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Things I Will Tell My Eventual Therapist: Volume One
Thomas McCloskey: The People's Blogger
Enter: making money off of your blog. Blogspot has this adsense thing that would allow me to put adds on my blog and make money from them. It probably wouldn't be a lot of money, but hey, when your financial future is as bleek as Kevin Federline's rap album sales, every little bit helps. Lots of high profile bloggers do it, and for some, it is their only income. I'm not judging these folks; for them, it really makes sense. However, after careful consideration, I've decided to forgo giving Cliff Gardner corporate sponsorship for now. For me, blogging is the one part of my life that I want to shield from the stresses of my finances. The funny part is, I never thought of blogging as an art form until I knew I could turn down making money off of it in the name of preserving my artistic integrity.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
My Mom: Musical Historian
Me: Who's Paul Simon?
Mom: What do you mean? Simon, you know, as in Simon and Garfunkel?!
Me: Who are they?
Mom: Get out of my house.
Me: Haha, I was just kidding. They sang that "Yellow Submarine" song, right?
Mom: Fuck you, get out of my house.
Stop honking at me; I’m really not an asshole!
A good example is yesterday, when I was coming back from visiting Mandy. There were several patches of heavy traffic which forced me to change lanes repeatedly just to keep Yucca moving and prevent the engine from exploding. I drove on the shoulder for a mile. I drove in turn lanes and cut back into the highway at the last possible minute. I even drove on the gravel part in between lanes where construction workers had been only an hour before. Remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine drove like a maniac to get her boyfriend to the airport? Yea, that was me yesterday.
There are basically two things that bother me about this whole ordeal. First, I don’t like the fact that I have no control over what the auto mechanic tells me, or any real way to verify it that doesn't cost me more money. He could tell me that my car is overheating because Tonya Harding is wedged under the fan belt, or that I have 200 pounds of grain in the engine, and I would just grimace and write him a check. Second, I’ve already paid $70 to fix this problem a month ago and it’s still an issue. That would have paid for a lot of egg nog.
So, the next time you see someone driving erratically, don’t assume that they’re drunk or stupid, or even that they’re a jerk. Please don’t honk at them or give them the finger. They could just be trying to keep their car alive.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Go Boxers!
--The team track jackets arriving and us wearing them to awards. The back reads "T-Mac Fan Club." I feel so loved!
--Josh busting out of his slump by taking second in three events and tying Jess, who also kicked ass, for second overall in penathalon sweepstakes.
--Jared/Tyler clearing in open division and Mark/Michelle clearing in junior division, our first two debate breaks of the year.
--Jared/Jess winning "character debate" finals in front of the entire tournament before awards. Jared played Eric Cartman (he shouted that Kyle's mom was a bitch) and Jess played Willie Wonka (she licked the everlasting gobstopper podium).
--The team clearing 17/28 individual event slots and 2/3 debate slots (3/4 if you count character debate), easily winning our division and taking second overall at the tournament.
I'm soooo proud of our team!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
*
May 9th
I feel like I have no identity anymore. All I am is filler for actual things…stuff people are ashamed of or want to keep secret. I’m your password. I’m censored profanity. I’m everything and nothing.
June 1st
Today I realized that people on the internet are using me to represent an asshole in instant messenger conversations. Well I feel special.
June 3rd
Today a professor used me to signify a star on a freshman philosophy paper because she didn’t want to type out “good thesis.” There’s nothing more demeaning that being used to compliment shallow analysis of Nietzsche.
July 16th
Explanation points don’t know how good they have it. They have meaning and demand attention. People listen to sentences with exclamation points. Hell, even periods command respect because they represent finality. I am just an indicator of something else. People feel nothing when they see me. If punctuation were the Seattle Real World cast, I would be Lindsay, the nice one that everyone forgets is there.
August 9th
I was in Blockbuster today and I noticed that I am used to indicate what awards movies won on the back of video boxes. Honestly, I was most cheapened by the “My Cousin Vinny” box, which happily informed readers, through me, that Marissa Tomei won an Oscar for her role. I’ve hit rock bottom. I really need some f***ing therapy.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
That Would Rock: Volume Six
To that end, let me give the blogging community a bit of fashion advice/a desperate plea: please stop wearing “Ugg Boots.” There’s a reason they’re called “Ugg” boots: they’re UGG-ly. Wearing them over pants, or with a short skirt, or just them and nothing else, simply doesn’t work. They are on the same fashion level as moon boots. It’s not just me saying that, either, it was on “What Not to Wear,” so it’s practically fashion gospel. Everyone should stop wearing them. Now.
I’m just saying, THAT WOULD ROCK!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
My Obituary
Thomas McCloskey
Age: 106
Words: 392
Thomas McCloskey, philanthropist and self-described “aqua-naut,” died Wednesday at the age of 106. The immediate cause of death was unknown. However, his mauled body was found in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge submerged in the feces of a two-ton Alaskan Grisly Bear called “patches” by local Inuit villagers, so authorities hypothesized that an assortment of massive internal injuries lead to the death of this great American. An autopsy has yet to be scheduled because the cadaver is smelly and gross.
He is survived by his 7 children, 22 grandchildren, 12 great grand children, and his trusty Labrador Retriever, Horatio, none of whom were there to save his ass when the shit really hit the fan. Thomas’s wife of 82 years, Amanda Guile, passed away last year after a tragic outlet shopping accent left her buried under 66 boxes of wire hangers and thongs. At the time, the bereaved widower was quoted as saying, “that’s how she would have wanted to go, I guess.”
Thomas’s education at Willamette University and the Seattle University College of Law is recognized by modern historians and the best and worst years each institution ever had. While graduating with a degree in Politics in 2005, Thomas left Willamette with the same shaky knees Little Red Riding Hood had after her encounter with the Wolf in the acclaimed musical “Into the Woods.” Similarly, the Seattle University College of Law was also changed forever after the moot-court team of McCloskey and Guile won every competition they participated in before being thrown off the team for making out in front of a district court judge.
The success of Thomas’s legal career remains a celebrated example of the acclaimed development of sarcasm as a contemporary legal strategy in the early 21st century. Thomas worked 95 hours per week in order to pay of his student loans, stopping only long enough to impregnate his wife (so, about 30 seconds), for his first five years as a lawyer. After achieving a loose financial equilibrium in 2014, Thomas quit his draining corporate job and began working for the Seattle District Attorney’s Office. Within five years, he was President of the United States.
At Thomas’s request, his organs will be donated to those who need them, although between the bite marks and bear feces, it is unlikely that any of them will be salvaged, despite being frozen in the arctic. Donations may be made is his honor to “The Human Fund.”
Monday, November 07, 2005
Thomas: 1, Cancer: 0
The scoreboard still reads: Thomas McCloskey, cancer free since 1983!
Booya, grandma!
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Another chapter in my feud with cash-only stores
Mandy: I can see that you’re all sorts of pissed, just try to calm down.
Me: AAAAAArrrrgghhhhh! I hate humanity!
Mandy: It’ll be ok sweetie, I’ll get you an ice cream cone.
Me: You know that scene in “Family Guy” where Quagmire swipes his credit card down the ass crack of that stripper? THAT’S how accessible plastic should be.
Mandy: You’re psychotic, but I love you anyway.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
The Idiot Box?
Initially, the issue of media and specifically television responsibility interests me greatly. I have an autographed copy of Bowling Alone and have seen Robert Putnam speak. His insight on how television makes us less connected with one another was very interesting. However, Steven Smith argues in Everything Bad is Good for You that once you separate the content of television shows (along with other forms of popular culture) from their structure, it becomes clear that they’re actually making us smarter. Both books are great and should be read by anyone interested in media. I tend to agree more with Smith than with Putnam in that while traditional means of interaction may have gone down, that doesn’t mean we’re less connected, it just means we’ve found other ways to talk to each other, i.e. internet chat rooms, AIM, blogs, and so on. However, that’s not to say that television couldn’t and shouldn’t be doing more, and I think executives aught to try harder to make the content of shows as beneficial as their structure. In fact, I think some shows are already doing that, and I'll talk more about that later.
Additionally, “Good Night, And Good Luck” is incredibly germane to the current status of media in America. The film ends with Edward R. Murrow criticizing the direction of television. He argued that if weekly game shows were replaced with foreign policy discussions and political debates, people would watch them just as much as they did the fluff. Essentially, he believed that television is only as useful in educating people and promoting discourse as we make it. I’m inclined to agree, but I’ll admit that I have a great deal of faith in people to want to learn. Fifty years after Murrow challenged television executives to reach for the best in people instead of the superficial worst, with few exceptions, the content of most television shows doesn’t discuss policy or “substantive” issues, although Smith would argue that even the crappy shows have gotten better since then, at least in terms of structure.
Finally, the film criticizes the McCarthy-era politics of ruining the lives of innocent people simply by accusatorily linking them to an un-popular political belief. I won’t go into great detail explaining why exposing horrific tactics like these is as relevant now as it was during the red scare, except to say that I wonder how successful “Camp X-Ray” and “The Patriot Act” would have been if Murrow were alive today and had a daily cable news show.
Mandy and I talked for a while after the movie, and we came to a few conclusions, not the least of which was that we don’t believe that television is a lost cause, and if anything, the tide is turning back towards the substantive, and is doing so through an unlikely source: "The Daily Show." It proves that TV can be both entertaining and insightful, and as a result, can achieve both the substantive political discussion that Murrow wanted and hilariously win at the ratings game sponsors and executives continue to play. Moreover, if Smith was right and TV is making us smarter in spite of the poor content, then endorsing shows that have both mentally challenging structure and solid content is the best of both worlds. I know I’ll be doing my part to endorse this utopia tomorrow night when I watch the live debate episode of "The West Wing."
Friday, November 04, 2005
Ripped from the headlines...in reverse!
Somehow, "The Man in the Iron Mask" seems much cooler now that there actually is rioting in Paris because of poverty. If only Leonardo Di Caprio was there, we would save them all.
I liked "The English Patient" the first time I saw it, but apparently that guy who tortured William Defoe by cutting off his thumbs moved to Las Vegas and become their mayor. Sounds like somebody has been missing his weekly visits to the legal prostitution rings over the city limits.
IN YOUR FACE, Hollywood!
Thursday, November 03, 2005
That Would Rock: Volume Five
I’m just saying, THAT WOULD ROCK!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Anyone have any bright ideas?
--install an ice-hockey rink
--put in an elaborate miniature golf course
--put up a heavy-bag to punch after reading annoying ballots
--install a batting cage because hey, batting cages are awesome
Anyone else have any suggestions?
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Hey, what was he in?! I know him from somewhere!
Anyone else notice things like that?
That Would Rock: Volume Four
Let’s say you decide to eat at a nice little sandwich shop called “Phil’s 1500 Subs” in some anonymous small town. You’re looking forward to enjoying their classic meatball when you see a sign on their door that reads “Sorry, we don’t take plastic.” Without your special power you would probably swear a lot, get back in your car and go make yourself some easy mac, but not today! Today you’re feel like you’ve got a little Colonial Guile in you, so you mosey on into the store, walk right up to the counter, and while flinging your arm forward you yell, “SONIC BOOM,” shattering the register and the sneeze guard. And then you go home and make yourself some easy mac anyway. And it tastes good. End hypo.
I’m just saying, THAT WOULD ROCK!